Compulsion
by hummerhouse
Summary: It's entirely up to you as to which brother he is longing for. Go ahead and guess. Hints of TCest  Turtle incest  One shot.


Compulsion

I almost confessed everything to my Father today.

It would have been the prudent thing to do. I could have taken what would probably have been sage advice and used it to battle this demon inside of me. I could have used the knowledge that he would be watching me to quell these horrible impulses.

I didn't go to him. At the last moment I decided not to show him my weakness. It would have been too shaming; he counted on me to be the strongest and the most honorable of his sons. I couldn't let him down.

Right. Those are all convenient excuses. Truth be told, I don't want to stop.

Desire is a strange word. I looked it up once when I was very young. The dictionary said it means 'To wish or long for; crave, want'. Those words seem almost bland. I think desire is a fire that burns in both your gut and in your head. I think desire is white hot and irresistible.

At the time my one desire was to lead this team. I knew Father would choose one of us and I decided then that it would be me.

I worked hard for it; much harder than my brothers. I don't think they knew why I worked so hard. When my Father said I was leader they finally understood. By then it was too late for any of them to win that prize. Out maneuvering them is what I do best.

I got no fight from Donny. He has other interests; other pursuits, and no desire to lead. He is a follower and very content in that role.

Mikey is good and sharp but he has no discipline. Maybe he'll gain that with age but for now he's devoted to his daydreams. He understands a lot of what is in my head but certainly not everything. At least he appreciates that I've taken on this duty.

I used to think that Raph fought me all of the time because he wanted to be the leader. He has tried to wrest authority from me on more than one occasion. Now I believe something else entirely. Raph just doesn't like to be controlled; he doesn't like being told what to do.

He argues with me still, but in the end I win out. The arguments are tokens; Raph's way of fighting the yoke. He'll end up doing what I say because deep inside he doesn't want to lead either. That would be too much responsibility for him. It would be another yoke.

I have learned a lot of things as I've grown. Mostly I've learned that I can have what I want if I work hard enough. If I work hard enough and I want it badly enough, then I deserve to have the things I desire.

I desire something now. The desire has grown in the last year. It has become a need.

Every day I touch him. Somehow, someway; I touch him. Mostly it's when we spar. I like that best because I can rub against him and get his scent all over my body with no one the wiser.

Being leader has its privileges. I get to say who he will spar with. I get to say who he will patrol with. I always choose for him to be with me.

Sometimes my brothers think it's because I am afraid of what will happen if I'm not there to dictate his actions. Sometimes they think it's because he needs my influence the most. Sometimes they believe that I worry overly much about his distractions. Let them believe what they want as long as he ends up with me.

On the rare occasions when we neither practice or patrol I find other ways to touch him. I make opportunities. I have to touch him every day. I don't need much; a hand on his shoulder, a finger stroking his as he hands me something.

Until I've touched him I can hardly think of anything else. It is at the forefront of my mind when I wake and lingers until I have managed to secretly caress him.

I know at some point this will affect my leadership. I know I need a better answer. The answer I've come up with is the reason I almost looked to Master Splinter for an intervention.

I want him. All of him. I want everything. I want the thing that brothers should not have with each other. I want him in my bed every night.

I think I will work hard for that. I will make him mine because I deserve to have him.

For now I just need to touch him. I have not touched him today. It has been a day of frustration and longing. I haven't even been near him. I can't go to sleep until I touch him.

I'll just go to his room. Everyone else is asleep; he is asleep. I can see him as I open the door and quietly enter a space that smells like him. It is overwhelming.

I cross the room silently, avoiding things I cannot see because I have been trained to sense their presence. I can look down at his face now; he looks so young when he's asleep. So fragile. He needs me; I guide him and give him balance.

I'm just going to touch him. That's all, just a feather light touch to the skin that beckons to me even now. Just a soft caress.

I won't do anything to wake him. Maybe I will gently stroke his arms, his thighs, possibly even the curve of his plastron. Perhaps I can carefully squeeze his tail. That's it, nothing overt. Just a touch.

It can't hurt to simply touch him, can it?


End file.
